Some suggestions on how to discuss worldview, government, politics, religion, and specific controversial issues with people who hold different opinions
Note (added March 2021): Since writing this blog post I read a book that helped my understanding of why having respectful and productive conversations is so difficult today. The book is called “Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity—and Why This Harms Everybody.” You can find this book (and more of my recommendations) here. The book explains how these new ideologies and terminologies—used especially in social justice discussions—have “deep academic background” (as Ben Shapiro explains in episode 1206 of his podcast) and yet most people are not aware of what that is and how harmful it can be.
From the Amazon description: “Helen Pluckrose and James Lindsay document the evolution of the dogma that informs these ideas, from its coarse origins in French postmodernism to its refinement within activist academic fields… As Pluckrose and Lindsay warn, the unchecked proliferation of these anti-Enlightenment beliefs present a threat not only to liberal democracy but also to modernity itself.” I have found that discussing critical theory (specifically critical race theory this past year especially) has proven particularly unproductive when these ideals are assumed/ have not been fully examined or questioned. Any push-back or discussion of data or reason is met with hostility and this book explains why.
**I hope this blog post will still be a helpful resource, knowing that caveat.**
introduction
“Your political affiliation doesn't define you. The way you treat people does.” ― Vortex Media
Over the past year or so I have had a number of people reach out regarding content I have shared on social media particularly related to politics. For some context: I have changed my mind about some issues over the past 1.5-2 years or so, so I can understand why friends, family, and acquaintances were curious and concerned. There have been a wide range of conversations: some have been respectful and constructive, while others have unfollowed and unfriended me, or personally attacked my character. As uncomfortable as it has been (in some cases), I am very grateful for the opportunities to share my story and my perspectives. I welcome those who want to engage in hard conversations at all. I respect people having strong opinions and the desire to talk about them because I personally prefer engaging in the uncomfortable over avoiding going deeper into personal beliefs about humanity, government, politics, and religion.
However, as a society we need to learn how to do this better. I have seen the ramifications of it clearly displayed throughout 2020, and I think things are getting worse and will continue to do so. I can personally attest to the unproductive nature of having strong beliefs (while not completely understanding why) and having the inability to defend those beliefs and respect others’ perspectives if they are different. I have learned a lot over the past year or so and one of the best lessons (that I wish that I had learned sooner) has been the concept of pursuing truth, exercising critical thinking skills, and avoiding outrage/ or “cancel culture”. When we have the desire to be well-read, investigative, discerning, and learn with patience, we can actively fight against a culture of instant gratification, false narratives, censorship, dichotomous thinking, emotional reasoning, cancelling, close-minded attitudes, labeling, and disrespect.
But I, too, can understand the confusion, frustration, and temptation to demonize the ‘other side.’ In 2019-2021 I have been learning to value: freedom of speech, tolerance, making an effort to give people the benefit of the doubt, and truly listening to what others’ believe and why. If you’re interested in hearing more about my personal story, let me know. This will be more of a general commentary on the topic of conversation. I personally lean towards a pessimistic (realistic?) view of humanity and society (because of my belief in the doctrine of original sin [and my personal experiences and personality...]), and therefore I know that we have a great tendency to judge others, to misunderstand and to be misunderstood, to be mean and hurtful, and to be controlled by our emotions. I feel that acknowledging that, helps us to know our own limitations and those of others so that we can forgive and give each other grace.
While I admit to not being perfect at doing this myself — I hope to share some of my experience and suggestions. I will do so mainly through directing the conversation away from personal attacks and specific events/policies — towards worldview and big picture ideals and preferences, and by asking questions. I will provide some suggestions at the end of this article.
practical suggestions
I would suggest that the most important behaviors to avoid (or at least fight against) are: making assumptions, being easily offended, making personal attacks, holding on to an ‘us vs. them’ mentality, committing logical fallacies (will describe later), and being close-minded to hearing others’ perspectives.
*Note: I have done ALL of these… which is why I highly recommend not to :)
Also, let’s refrain from labeling people (directly or whole groups) as any of the “ist”s (racist, sexist, white supremacist, marxist, socialist, communist, etc.). We throw these terms around so flippantly that they barely have any meaning any more… and they really should. If you make a claim or accusation, be prepared to bear the burden of proof for it.
Instead, we should: think critically, know what we believe and why, ask questions, truly and actively listen, embrace diversity of thought, share our opinions with gentleness and clarity, recognize and control our emotions, and forgive easily.
I will break these suggestions up into these categories:
Before you engage/preparing to do so
While you listen
While you speak
And general advice to remember
**Additionally, I am a Christian so I believe that the Bible speaks to all facets of life including how we are to conduct ourselves in conversation. I will be sharing some bible verses, and whether you hold the same beliefs or not, I think the wisdom will be helpful for interpersonal relationships.
First: don’t be afraid to engage
As I said before, many people will just not engage at all. I think it is important to not shy away from the harder conversations and relationships. I don’t really recommend unfollowing or hiding/muting people, living in an ‘echo chamber’, or only being friends with people who agree with you. We live in a world, and a country, where a large number of people will not share your faith, politics, or worldview. We need to learn to respect and converse with each other. The division grows the more we let the media and stereotypes label our friends and acquaintances for us.
Anneliese Louise (@feminenotfeminist on Twitter) said this recently:
“When we build friendships only upon the basic of mutual agreement, we risk reducing people to the sum of their beliefs. The truth is, we are so much more than our world-views. Make friendships with people, not ideas.”
I think this is such an important reminder because when we know and care about someone personally, we will be more genuinely interested in their beliefs or ideas and hopefully less likely to demonize an entire group of people based on their beliefs.
Also, I think that these conversations are usually better conducted in person or over the phone because written words can be read (or written) in a more malicious tone. But I also recognize that it can be valuable to have the time to think through a question and write out your thoughts. Both can be beneficial and also limiting.
Additionally, a good friend pointed out that we do not need to feel pressured to have a response to every news story or event. ‘Silence is violence’ is not a helpful slogan. We don’t always have to speak out right away — sometimes the most thoughtful perspectives take a little bit more time to mull over. Additionally, we have the freedom to not always share our opinions on social media. Don’t assume that not sharing means that someone isn’t concerned or aware of what’s happening.
1. Also before you engage:
KNOW WHAT YOU BELIEVE AND WHY
“It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance.” ― Thomas Sowell
Know your blind spots. Let us not be so confident in our understanding of the issues, that we aren’t open to hearing new perspectives or reading new information. This is how I changed my mind. Try hard to not be (or come across as) ‘holier than thou’ when you share your opinions. Assuming that someone doesn’t care about X group of people, because they vote X way is problematic.
But also… be relatively confident — meaning that you should do your research and have facts to back up your opinions. Emotional reasoning usually makes little impact in a healthy debate. I will speak more on emotions later on.
Think critically
Pursuing truth in the age of outrage
Use logic and critical thinking skills to examine all factors of every issue because things aren’t usually as black and white as they may originally seem. Take a look at this quote from the Coddling of American Mind. I recommend reading the whole book, but this section provides insight into the problematic way that people are learning to avoid critical thinking, logic, and reason in favor of emotions and safety.
“Colleges should emphasize the power of the confirmation bias and the prevalence of cognitive distortions. It is challenging to think well; we are easily led astray by feelings and by group loyalties. In the age of social media, cyber trolls, and fake news, it is a national and global crisis that people so readily follow their feelings to embrace outlandish stories about their enemies. A community in which members hold one another accountable for using evidence to substantiate their assertions is a community that can, collectively, pursue truth in the age of outrage. Emphasize the importance of critical thinking, and then give students the tools to engage in better critical thinking…
Students must learn to make well-reasoned arguments while avoiding ad hominem arguments, which criticize people rather than ideas.” ― Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt, “The Coddling of the American Mind”
I thought this quote also spoke to this idea:
“The problem is not people being uneducated. The problem is that people are educated just enough to believe what they have been taught, and not educated enough to question anything from what they have been taught.” ― Richard Feynman
Let these ideas encourage you to be a skeptical and critical thinker. Question everything. Don’t believe every story you read in the news and don’t be tempted to avoid investigating even if you’ve held a belief for a while. Employ reason and understand the difference between correlation and causation. And if you make the claim of causation, be prepared to back that up with data and reason. Understand too, that misdiagnosing a problem usually leads to offering unhelpful solutions.
Consider this:
“We can’t judge policies by their intentions, we judge policies by their results.” ― Allie Beth Stuckey, Relatable podcast
As much as people can argue the utopian ideal view of policies, we need to measure intentions against results and consider the limitations of humanity to achieve equity and full ‘fairness’ and equality of outcomes.
2. Now, while we are listening:
Truly and actively listen
Listening is a lost art. In a distracted world, our ability to really give our full attention to anything is declining. Fight against the temptation to constantly multi-task, and let’s put our phones down when we’re having a conversation. Remember to: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. (The fifth habit in Stephen Covey’s book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People.")
Try to focus on the other person first, not yourself. I believe that one of the best ways to serve others (other than their physical needs) is to make them feel truly seen and heard. Before respectfully sharing your own opinions, make sure you understand where they are coming from. Later on I will also speak about becoming someone who is not easily offended.
I think one of the biggest problems currently in our polarized society is misunderstanding the values of the other side. When we seek to really understand, the end goal should be to truly be able to argue your opposition's point of view accurately. Do you understand their opinion well enough to do that?
Ask questions
One way to engage in active listening is to ask questions. Good questions — questions that show that you are really paying attention to what the other person is saying, questions that go deeper, clarifying questions, and questions that come across as genuine curiosity and not accusatory statements.
I will detail specific questions later on in this post that may be helpful when discussing various topics.
And now, when you are speaking:
Share your opinions with gentleness and clarity
James 3: 17-18: But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
Ephesians 4:15: Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
2 Timothy 2:23-25: Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth.
Biblical wisdom teaches us that we should ‘tame our tongues.’ James 3:8-9: but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. We have a great capacity to harm people with our words, and while there is a great emphasis on truth in the Bible, there is also a lot of exhortation for how to share that truth and our conduct while doing so. The fruit of the spirit includes love, gentleness, patience, peace, and self-control. As believers we are forgiven and know that we cannot perfectly embody these character traits, but we are also called to obedience. We should pray for the strength and ability to follow the Spirit and not the desires of our flesh (self) when we speak.
It is easy to be misunderstood, and therefore we should try our best to choose words carefully so that we don’t come across as rude, prideful, or arrogant. Let us speak with sincerity and reason. When we form sentences thoughtfully and carefully, we will resist the temptation to get swept up in our emotions.
Truth carries with it confrontation. Truth demands confrontation; loving confrontation, but confrontation nevertheless.”
― Francis Schaeffer, “The Great Evangelical Disaster”
Don’t be afraid of confrontation but in it, be gentle and loving.
Control your emotions
“The reason so many people misunderstand so many issues is not that these issues are so complex, but that people do not want a factual or analytical explanation that leaves them emotionally unsatisfied. They want villains to hate and heroes to cheer - and they don’t want explanations that do not give them that.”
― Thomas Sowell
Job 15:2-3 Should a wise man answer with windy knowledge, and fill his belly with the east wind? Should he argue in unprofitable talk, or in words with which he can do no good?
EMOTIONS:
Emotions may lead us to engage in ‘unprofitable talk’ via making personal attacks: name-calling, criticizing someone’s character and judgment, attacking their integrity, and/or questioning their intellectual or educational capacities. Emotion can also prompt us to make assumptions and auto-categorize people based on their political affiliation. Understand that they may think differently than others’ in their party and/or you may have a misconception of what the party stands for in the first place. Failing to do so will inevitably deepen our ‘us vs. them’ mentally. Let us be careful to choose the tone in which we speak. I know that things can spiral quickly especially when we don’t make adjustments.
EMOTIONAL REASONING:
Let us not fall into the trap of emotional reasoning. In the “The Coddling of the American Mind”, Haidt and Lukianoff outline 3 great “untruths.” One of the statements is “The untruth of emotional reasoning: Always trust your feelings.” While we don’t completely discount our emotions — they are given to us by God and do serve a purpose — we should try to employ more rational and logical thinking during these conversations. It is helpful to guide the discussion towards more broad ideas, and questions. This helps in our endeavor to not be easily offended or flippantly offend.
BEING OFFENDED:
Don't be offended & don't seek to offend
“Walking on eggshells in regards to what you believe may *seem* to create more friendships, but they will be shallow, and limited in capacity to deepen. Friendships can withstand forthright disagreement, but it is hard to recover from disingenuous unity.”
― Anneliese (@femininenotfeminist)
I am very passionate about creating deep and genuine friendships. While you can decide to not always discuss the most contentious issues (which is fair and totally fine), never engaging in deeper conversations about things can reduce friendships to superficialities and they may be more likely to fade away.
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS:
A list of common cognitive distortions can also be found in Haidt and Lukianoff’s initial Atlantic article that prompted them to write the book. Cognitive distortions include mind reading, labeling, overgeneralizing, dichotomous thinking, emotional reasoning and more. These things inhibit us in our personal mental health, and also create challenges for building deep and lasting relationships.
The list is at the bottom of this article linked here: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/ The book is also listed as a resource at the bottom of this post.
I will also share descriptions of some common logical fallacies at the end of this section: ad hominem, appeal to pity, bandwagon fallacy, false dichotomy, red herring fallacy, and strawman argument.
EMBRACE DIVERSITY OF THOUGHT
“When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say.” ― George R.R. Martin
“How free are we if we constantly live in fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing?” ― Africa Brooke
Diversity is important right? What about diversity of thought?
We should accept and embrace this fact of life: we do not all think the same, we don’t have the same priorities and values, and we don’t have the same opinions on policy proposals. Thought and speech cannot cause physical harm. It is vital to understand why freedom of speech matters. It is important to make sure that you understand the ramifications of censoring speech. I have a set of questions under the freedom of speech heading at the end of this blog that may help discuss this topic.
“There is no such thing as “your truth”, there is the truth and there is your opinion.” ― Ben Shapiro
It is also important to distinguish between facts and opinions. In this age of mass communication, it can be hard to distinguish between the two, but it is an important endeavor to separate them.
Also, be sure to:
FORGIVE EASILY
“A culture where your identity is wholly defined by your tribe, and your tribe is always in conflict with other tribes in a zero-sum competition for power. In this culture, there is no “love your neighbours,” much less “love your enemies.” There is no grace. No forgiveness. No humility. No introspection that gets “the log out of your own eye” before you correct your opponent.”
― Scott David Allen, “Why Social Justice is Not biblical Justice”
Ephesians 4:32: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
As Christians, we are called to love our enemies. We should be actively working to love and understand people who are different and/or who aren’t as easy for us to love. Even for those who don’t believe in God, it is a practice that I think will be beneficial. While forgiveness can be costly depending on the offense, it is necessary to move forward. When engaging in harder conversations we may unintentionally or intentionally offend because of our words, our tone, or accusations. Let us seek true peace, humility, grace, and forgiveness.
here is the list of some common logical fallacies to avoid:
(Information from Vortex Media on instagram linked here)
Ad Hominem: The act of attacking the person, instead of the problem being debated. For an argument to be rational, one cannot reject another’s view on the basis of appearance, age, or presentation, etc… The use of insults against an opponent is unethical. (Example: “You’re stupid and have no idea what you’re talking about, because you’re a white 50-year-old woman.”)
Bandwagon Fallacy: The assumption that something is true or inherently right because other people agree with it. This fallacy is also associated with status appeal; thinking something is correct because it has a reputation of making one look more popular, important, or more moral etc… (Example: “If you want to be anti-racist you must donate to BLM, advocate to defund the police, and vote Trump out of office.”
False Dichotomy: Also known as the “black-or-white fallacy”. This scope of thought fails to recognize that there are more than two options in an argument. It isn’t either this-or-that. False dichotomies are a tactic often used to polarize an audience and demonize the opposing party. (“Vote against Trump, or else you’re a racist and want to abolish all LGBTQ+ rights.”)
Red Herring Fallacy: When someone deviates from the current topic to something irrelevant because it is easier and safer to discuss. This tactic can be used as a distraction to confuse the audience. Red herrings typically seem semi-relevant, however they don’t actually provide a solution to the problem. (Example: Person 1: “If we make welfare programs too attractive, there will be no incentive for people to work.” Person 2: “There are single-moms forced to raise entire families, while also dealing with abusive husbands.”)
Appeal to Pity: This tactic appeals to one’s emotions, which isn’t a logical way to prove if something is true or false. Emotions aren’t a fact and therefore can’t prove an argument’s validity. Don’t mistake feelings for fact. (Example: “Imagine if all of your loved ones were dying from coronavirus. That is why we just shelter in place until cases die down.”)
Cherry-picking: Suppressing evidence, or the fallacy of incomplete evidence. The act of pointing to individual cases or data that seem to confirm a particular position while ignoring a significant portion of related and similar cases or data that may contradict that position.
Questions for various topics
Now I will share some questions under various headings that have helped me think about issues and talk to others. Look for anywhere you might have common ground / shared beliefs. Is there anything that you can agree on? Understand the difference between having different information and having different understandings of an issue and holding different policy preferences.
GENERAL QUESTIONS ABOUT GOVERNMENT/ POLITICS:
What is the role of government in your opinion?
What does the government do well?
What does the government not do well?
Do you trust the government?
Do you believe the government, politicians, or people in government are corrupt? Do they have the ability to become so?
What have you learned from studying history and government?
What are the biggest problems facing the world and country?
Do you believe the American government is uniquely different?
What are your thoughts on: “Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness”?
HUMAN NATURE:
Are people basically good?
What is the capacity for human evil?
What causes people to do terrible things?
How are people manipulated and controlled?
Is work good for people? What is the purpose of work?
Do you work to live or live to work?
MORALITY, FAITH, & WORLDVIEW:
How do you determine right and wrong?
What are your personal values? Top 3-5 values
What should the government value?
What political issues are most important to you and why?
Where does your understanding of morality come from?
Do you believe in God?
Do you believe in absolute truth?
What is the purpose of faith?
How can we ensure religious liberty?
Do you think that people who disagree with you, hate you?
What do you value in friendships?
FREEDOM & RIGHTS:
What does freedom mean to you?
Do you want freedom? What do you want to be free from?
What does freedom enable you to do?
Where do rights come from?
What rights are important to you?
How do we safeguard against tyranny?
What does a tyrannical government look like?
FREEDOM OF SPEECH:
Should any speech be prohibited?
What should be classified as ‘harm’?
Are you against “hate speech”?
What are the dangers in regulating speech?
Is the answer to bad speech more speech or less?
What do you believe about censorship? Twitter, YouTube, etc.
NEWS MEDIA:
Do you trust the mainstream media?
What sources do you read?
How do you judge if something is biased or truthful?
What is the role of the free press?
JUSTICE:
How is justice determined?
What are the characteristics of justice?
What is fairness?
What is equality?
How do we safeguard against partiality?
How do we safeguard against mob rule?
What is social justice?
Do you believe in the concept: innocent until proven guilty?
What is equity? How is different from equality? Can it be problematic?
What is critical theory? Does it undermine true justice, fairness, and equality?
FAMILY:
What is the role of the family?
How much influence does this have on people?
What aspects of life should the government manage?
What is marriage? What is the government's role in marriage?
Do you believe in gender differences?
How many genders are there? And why?
EDUCATION:
Should families decide where to send their children to school?
What should be the government's role in education?
What is the overall role in education?
Should which public school your child can attend be based on where you live?
Do parents have a right to educate their own children?
WELFARE, SOCIAL PROGRAMS:
What is the purpose of welfare?
What is the best way to help people?
How much money is already spent on this?
Do you think people take advantage of the system? To what extent?
Do you want to increase or decrease/change the current status?
What social programs do you think are beneficial?
What are your thoughts on charitable giving?
ECONOMICS:
Do you prefer socialism or capitalism or something in between? What are the pros and cons?
How do we determine the economic health of a country?
What do you think of economic disparities?
What are your thoughts on tax rates?
What do you think about minimum wage?
RACISM:
What is racism?
Why is racism harmful?
How do we fight against it on a personal level and in society?
Do you believe in systemic racism? Why or why not? Where and how is it manifested in our society today?
Do you believe in white privilege?
Do you know what critical race theory is? Do you think it is helpful - why/ why not? Should it be taught in schools and workplaces?
Is it harmful to label things as racist when they are not? How do we use discernment to avoid this?
What is the difference between discrimination and disparities?
Can people who are not white be racist?
What are the goals of Black Lives Matter organization?
Can people be against racism and not support BLM? Do you understand why people would not support BLM but do support black lives?
How do you feel about reparations?
Do you support affirmative action for corporate hiring?
ABORTION:
What is an abortion?
When does life begin?
When does a human become a person? Is there a difference? If so, what is the difference? How does/should this impact abortion policy?
Do you believe in any restrictions against abortion?
How are abortions performed?
How many abortions take place per year?
Can an abortion negatively impact the woman?
Of course there are many more topics - healthcare, gender/sexuality, gun rights, the environment, immigration, foreign policy, etc. — and a bunch more questions that can be discussed. But I hope some of these are useful to you! You can download a PDF of them at the bottom of this page if you would like.
thank you
I hope any part of this blog post was helpful! I am hopeful that we can challenge ourselves to improve the quality of our conversations, find common ground and shared beliefs, and base our identities not (totally) in politics.
Someone recently asked me why I find politics fascinating when there is so much ridiculousness that goes on. While I agree that a lot of it is insane and trivial, I like talking and learning about politics because I find it interesting to hear what people believe and why. While many try to avoid arguments over politics and religion, I think those are the most compelling topics to discuss. We can learn a lot about each other through delving into conversations about human nature, morality, freedom, and justice.
These opinions shape how we view ourselves, our communities, our country, and the world.
“For every one pupil who needs to be guarded against a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts. The right defense against false sentiments is to inculcate just sentiments. By starving the sensibility of our pupils we only make them easier prey to the propagandist when he comes. For famished nature will be avenged and a hard heart is no infallible protection against a soft head.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man
Resources
I will also share a few resources below:
BOOKS:
The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure. By Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. My Amazon link
Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity—and Why This Harms Everybody. By Helen Pluckrose and James A. Lindsay
Discrimination & Disparities by Thomas Sowell
The Abolition of Man by C.S. Lewis
THE BIBLE
Some verses include: James 3:1-12, James 3: 17-18, Ephesians 4:15, 1 John 3:18
SERMON: James 3: Genuine Faith Chooses Words with Care, Jen Wilkin
PODCAST: Relatable with Allie Stuckey
SOCIAL MEDIA:
Anneliese @feminINEnotIST https://twitter.com/feminINEnotIST?s=20